A road map for hearts longing to find connection and belonging.
Whenever Blue entered the room, Hazel put on her game face. A churn of familiar body sensations rose up inside her, both pleasant and unpleasant, which she fought to hide. Deep inside she longed to feel closer to Blue, but she didn’t know how to.
If Blue had asked Hazel at that moment what she was feeling, Hazel wouldn’t have been able to say. Blue’s question might have brought up memories of past attempts at expressing herself gone wrong, and Hazel may have tried to change topic in stead of answering Blue.
In this way, Hazel would have avoided conflict and avoided connection too- remaining locked inside that familiar loneliness she longed to break out of, but never could.
In order to connect with Blue, Hazel would need to be able to identify, name and share her feelings.
The way human hearts connect to each other is through the sharing of emotions- not of thoughts, but of feelings.
When we live in contexts where the expression of our feelings isn’t supported, our feelings can remain undifferentiated inside us.
A familiar numbness and sinking in the pit of our stomach, an involuntary rise in the temperature of our face, a heaviness like a thundercloud threatening to burst open. We may struggle against these sensations- trying to push them down, feeling shame when they come up uninvited- without ever asking or knowing what they are.
Therapy or meditation can be a space where a person can learn to turn towards this mass of undifferentiated feelings, and gradually develop a tolerance for being with it.
Being able to see each sensation as distinct and being able to name and classify it into one of four primary emotional categories- Fear, Anger, Joy, Sadness- can be an immensely helpful exercise.
"This is how Fear feels in my body. This is what my Anger feels like. I feel Sad like this, I feel Joy like this". It’s important to remember that the way you experience your emotions will be unique to you. Others will experience emotions in their own way.
The person you are seeking a connection with probably feels their emotions differently from the way you do. To feel close and connected it’s never important that you both feel your feelings the exact same way. Rather, what's needed is that you express to one another what each of you is feeling. This is what connects your hearts.
When Hazel learns to identify, sort out and express her feelings to Blue- and when Blue in turn does the same, they will finally feel the connection they have been longing for.
Hazel and Blue's story can end here with a happily ever after. However, there is one more place beyond this one that Hazel and Blue can visit together, if they wish to.
I call this place Wonderland.
After they have each become adept at this practice of identifying, naming and sharing of feelings, Hazel and Blue can practice dropping the labels they put on their feelings.
Simply being with the full experience of their differentiated emotion, they might notice that the flow of emotions inside them, while a constant stream, isn’t an unbroken one.
With practice it might become possible for them to differentiate the stream of emotions itself from the stillness that shows up in the gaps in-between, now and again.
Noticing this stillness, then developing the capacity to remain in it, can lead to a recovery of the capacity for Wonder.
Experiencing wonder side by side, each in their own bodies, Hazel and Blue might feel connected to themselves, to each other and beyond to the entire universe.
Visiting this place- the place I call Wonderland, with a friend, a lover, a parent or a child can be a connected and expansive experience of grace and joy- the memory of which is likely to remain with you till the end of your days.
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